The bus is coming



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It is usually one of those silent nights we often wonder about life. In our own understanding we define life, derive conclusions that sometimes defy our own logic and yet somehow choose to think it is true. We dwell on relationships, think about friends and family and finally rate ourselves before we doze off. At the same time we are happy at our own being and yet think, no, you could have done better. I call it the balancing drill. In life not everything is either black or white. Believe me, this thing called grey does exist. Life is a blessing, indeed it is,  but i bet many a times it is no less than a tragedy.  A loafer and a successful man both have ideas alike. They both know what should be done, how to do it, yet fall prey to the color code_black, white or grey?!. This vast universe, thousands have existed and exited yet we are clueless as to why we even exist. Here again i bet you if this thought has never strike your mind. Believe me it has given me sleepless nights. In such big scale of things we don't forget to hold all the grudges, even closer. We very well know that one day we will be on the threshold of life, mind you that day is tomorrow, yet petty things still occupy our minds. The neighbor who had borrowed money will still replay in our minds and that expensive watch you had planned to buy will haunt you when you know you are running out of time. How naively we exploit FATE, as we call it. We all are just a car crash, a diagnosis, an unexpected phone call, a newfound love or a broken heart away from being a completely different person. May be its scary or even weird but just let people know that you want them,need them this very moment, you will die if you do not see them,hold them, feel them in some way or the other whether it is your feet on theirs or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. Being desperate is beautiful and there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. Read those invisible words written on everyone "make me feel important" and feel their deepest feelings "please do not give up on me". Its always easy to ignore but that feeling of satisfaction no money can buy and that feeling of regret, believe me you will die living. And most importantly stay away from people who quote "it is more comfortable to cry in a Lamborghini than on the streets", for they have never really felt anguish or never really loved.
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For on that day, the only moments you will have to remember is the the unpaved road that you had walked barefoot on or the times you spent on rooftops with friends talking about life and love yet there will be some like me who will regret a book half read, a note half written or a dream not pursued. The beer you had on mountaintops or by the Riverside will seem vague while the smile of the stranger you didn't bother talking to will make you feel warm. It's the kulfis you had with your best friend on a hot afternoon while waiting for the bus that tastes sweeter than the exotic cuisine you had with your best suit on. And yes the many nights and days you could have been by your parent's side yet your selfish heart took the other way until was it was too late but just yearn for them will wrench your heart but a little too late isn't it? That habit which started with a puff to its okay and finally buying your own smoke, each time which you thought would be your last with much guilt. And that selfish moment you walk into somebody's life just for a taste because you didn't want to miss out on them and after you have taken their skin and deep secrets just trudge along the lines of "i never thought that way"  or "it was you after all". Do you even remember, it was souls you gambled with and that the other person's existence meant very little next to your curiosity and excitement? You will someday,  a little too late again. Once you tried to be grateful,  curbed your desires and made little sacrifices. I know you remember the satisfaction you felt but it was short lived, hard way_the human way. It is funny how we have more guts to malign people with our fingers than to pick up the phone and apologize. But had we understood this, we would have been halfway through.
Someway between dreaded day coming faster and awaited days taking forever we will find ourselves, this time no black, no grey but white just plain white, cold and eerie silence_the MORTUARY.
‌We never know when the bus is coming. 

Agonizing silence

I had failed. No, this isn't a love failure or even exams. This time it's different. I had failed people most important to me more than i failed myself. "This isn't life dude, its just a part of it" somebody told me but today it made no sense. You may run and hide from anybody but how do you hide from yourselves? Apparently i had nowhere to go, nothing to say and nobody to talk to_doesn't  happens everyday.

I  reluctantly traced my steps back to the parking lot. Today even the old bus looked so afresh, it seemed to be smiling at me. The olive green paint sparkled. Everything around seemed to be filled with joy. Smiles everywhere, birds chirped and even the sun shined softer. I turned my face away from everyone and stood facing nowhere gazing at nothing. The satchel in my hand felt heavy, I let it down. Looked around and picked up the water bottle. The water was nearly boiling but i gulped it down in a go. The bus started moving and my heart beat faster. Someone at the back started a song and everybody joined in chorus. Another guy was holding a camera, he wanted me to join them. All clapped in unison and with each clap my heart skipped a beat. My throat ran dry and tears followed.

The 5 km ride wouldn't end today. It will take forever for it has its own task to burden me, torment me. Amidst the blaring horns and speakers, the city was silent as a lamb for me. The trees around gave that sly look_see what you have made of yourself.
As aways, more than the wound itself, it is the time you spent, trapped and bewildered that pains. Each second lasts forever. The chair by my study table used to be my favorite place, but today i held myself back. It felt strange. I picked up the new pen i had just bought and words started flowing. This pen mind you was supposed to be a bearer of good luck_the eight horse vintage fountain pen. But this wasn't what i planned to write today. It was supposed to be one tale of happiness and success. And today i can't even call it fate. I turned the page and dipped the pen. I should leave it here and cry my heart out first, i thought. People say it always helps. I screamed but the sound died before it even emerged, i felt dumb. It is the saddest kind of sad, this. Then i realized it was only hurting me more.

No none will know what i write of but it will delight them for it is of pain and sorrow. Of a sunken heart. Each irrelevant line will seem so meaningful....... Each word so full.

 It is midnight now. The moon overhead is swiftly passing through the clouds. But there's no sign of sleep tonight and many more nights to follow_i know.  It was just a leap of faith_a single step. When a step defines the farthest distance from what you have always wanted the most, this sorrow is how you feel. My limbs feel numb and the pen is getting heavier. I have to put it down for now but i shall pick it up soon again and write, " I took that leap of faith and that has made all the difference". I am sure, then, the moon shall smile and i shall go to sleep with my heart at peace.

A summer evening

Sometimes you are 23 and standing by the window, looking out and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart - tailor made for you! Random thoughts come to your mind- relations  springing into existence or some fading from memory, which is less exciting. That now you have landed in the gates of your dream, experiencing the joy of chasing goals. Yet you long for more and you know its a long way.
Sometimes you long for the embrace that might have been but brush away that thought for you can't afford it. Deep in the unspoken heart of yours lies words that paper can't handle;long should they have had their time but no you were too weak. You only wish you had spoken. They would have had their time and you, yours. Sometimes you are okay but at 2 am the mirror shows you a defeated soul and that insane courage you muster to get along_only you can tell. Oh how you wish you too had that somebody who tells you its all right, you are strong, you will make it through. Behind that smile everyone sees, the pain you endure each day, only tears bears witness. The world is fake, you convince yourself and try to follow your conscience but no you fall often for you are bound to go through the pain you are destined for. Each day lasts forever. You wait for the evening, feed your soul with solitude and move on. Someday it will all make sense, someday! Yes, you have a heavy heart, you have faulted those who trusted you and you are sorry. Life taught you lessons when you had already blundered vast. Remorse, you could call it but you could never have trodden two paths. Sometimes words encompass everything and at other times, they even fall short of holding a simple emotion – of gratitude. I didn’t know what my note should say, so I didn’t write one then and today i am short of words again. You are for humility and thus kept on taking the blames.
The moon is full this evening and the song half played. The cycle shed is still, and the guava tree besides it has really grown. Last time i saw it was uprooted by the cyclone.
A thousand thoughts still replays in your mind. You know not why. Maybe of yearnings or of rue. The coffee has grown cold besides the half finished book. The music has stopped. A drop trickled down the cheeks and found its way into the coffee cup. I will complete this note someday, i thought.  When everything feels okay, the pain is gone and a remorseless heart finds joy again. Until someday.